I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
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Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Still cracks me up
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.