What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
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fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n