I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
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How times have changed.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
lmaaaaaooooooooo
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
much to think about
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
also my go-to takeaway order
TEETH IS INNOCENT
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house