The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
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Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
This sounds bad:
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second