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Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.