Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
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[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.