For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
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Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Our lord and savoury.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you