Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
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cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.