HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
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BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.