I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
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i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.