What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
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Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.