My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
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Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter