“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
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Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
spicy snake
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.