I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
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I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
the last thing a carrot sees
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.