My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
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I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
This came to me in a dream.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*