My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
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Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.