genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
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It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.