[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
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My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.