Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
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Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.