Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
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Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.