Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
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Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
i’m sure it’s fine
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Merica.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.