I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
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Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Sign of the day..
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.