Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
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ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree