“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
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Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
inventing words: clothing
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Good advice.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat