genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
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BRAKING NEWS!!
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Netflix and you sit over there.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second