trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I hope this email finds you in a well
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.