friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
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So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.