Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
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I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
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Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
My dress code is business-casualty.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.