I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
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sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
🙂🙃🥹
Mountain Goat : )
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*