Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
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Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Birds & Planes.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.