He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
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Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!