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ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras