Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
You Might Also Like
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
That time Alicia messaged me
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk