Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
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Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by