Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
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Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Me too 😆
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.