Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
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I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
How about daylight saves us for once
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO