[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot