Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
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Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
They grow up so quick
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Stonehinge
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday