“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.