I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
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I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.