[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
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More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!