Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
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I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
“A little help here, Danny?”
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
thank god
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”