Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
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*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.