♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
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i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore