My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
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*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?