Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
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[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.