I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
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I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.