Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
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[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
😜
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what