sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
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Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*