I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
You Might Also Like
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Follow me for more fitness tips.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
It was worth a shot 😂
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
at ease…shoulder.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.